Archive for 09/02/2010

A present perspective on a self-saboteur

Posted in General on 09/02/2010 by markcalles

I’m very much used to creating my own problems. It’s much easier to solve something if you know where the trouble began. So, for most of my life, that’s what I’ve been doing. Since I could make no sense of things outside of my control, I sometimes purposefully, but more times then not, subconsciously, made things difficult. A true self-saboteur. Some of this stems from me trying to avoid responsibility, but I believe most of it came from the immense confusion I then, and still occasionally now, experienced.

I’ve always been one to seek some form of infallible answers, whether they be scientific or philosophical. It seems I’ve been cursed to always have Why as the first word on my tongue. I have also found that, if you are not prepared for many of those whys to go unanswered, it is best not to even start. But at some point, and I think it quite recent, I have become at least slightly comfortable with my whys, and it has allowed me to start taking action instead of constantly living in my head.

For a long time I have heard people talking about living in the now, about being present in the moment, but I never really understood what it meant. It took a very long time for me to form some semblance of what it means to me to be present, and now that I have begun to think a bit differently about how I relate to myself and others, and what impact the daily has on the culmination of my entirety, I can use this sense of perspective and constantly see it at work in my life.

Case in point. Albeit not extremely prolific it is still poignant.

I had a conversation the other night that basically went like this:

Mark “I feel like crap. I think I’m going to mess something up, on purpose.”

Other Mark “What? That’s exactly what you’re not going to do.”

Mark “But I need some turmoil. Now that everything’s going smoothly I feel so stuck.”

Other Mark “So you’re going to fuck something up just to build it again?”

Mark “Yeah. Its kind of what I always do.”

Other Mark “Man, you really are an idiot. Stop being such a pussy.”

Mark “But…”

Other Mark “Nope. Just stop being such a pussy.”

Mark “Its just…”

Other Mark “Seriously, dude, stop being such a pussy.”

Mark “… yeah…I…”

Other Mark “Stop being such a pussy!”

Mark “Okay!”

And that’s the advantage that being present has given me. Now, when I look to make new problems, if I stop and realize and come to the conclusion that it is not such a good idea to revert to self-sabotage, something is provided for me. Not that life had any shortcomings when it came to providing, but where as before they caught me unprepared, now that I am not dealing with extraneous issues the new opportunities get my full attention and I actually get somewhere. I actually listen to that little voice that has started to steer me away from my past ways of acting. Now the internal dialogue that I ignored for so long makes too much sense to just shut out anymore. And that in it self is as exciting as any extraneous problems I could create for myself, because the new and unexplored is scary as shit, but I can no longer keep walking up and down the same hill and justify calling myself an explorer.