Bitch, bitch, whine, moan. this is getting tiresome. i need to find the root. its somewhere. ive come far enough to know, its always me. we are always the root of our own problems, however existential they may be. so, here is my frustration. plain and painful. i hope i get out of this funk soon. egh. self loath, rinse, repeat.
She says
I should write.
“at least three pages a day”.
Shit, I can barely manage
half a page.
At least
of anything worth
a damn.
Fuck her.
Painful thing is that
I can feel it.
Waiting to breach. Wanting to breath.
Instead,
its suffocating.
A glass ceiling. Salvation
just out of reach.
And what am I left with.
A god-damned parasite.
Slowly
eating at me.
Slowly
sucking me
dry.
This block,
it’ll be the end of me.
Maybe not
this time around, but it’s like a
venereal disease.
A bad one.
One that’ll stick with me.
One that’ll
pop up when least expected, and
wanted.
It’s a bad neighbor.
Its gonna burn through lovers.
See now,
I know why they call it
a block.
Not because your mind
is stuck, or
because there’s a wall, or
sign, or
row of cows in the road.
Fucking inconsiderate fucks.
No,
this shit is clinical.
It’s the worst case of constipation
imaginable.
Like the whole
system has shut down.
Like your asshole has
dried and puckered up.
Damnedable Satan’s raisin.
Nothing coming out.
Or going in,
and I may regret saying it, but at least in would provide some relief.
Now I’m just
backed up.
My bowels are
slowly leaking into my blood stream.
I’m poisoning
myself from within.
It’s a slow death, sick and writhing, and
full, of shit,
and piss,
and vinegar.
My bile is fermenting.
Full. So
because nothing
gets out,
nothing gets in.
I’m stewing in
my own filth.
And I’m angry.
Time
to ruin some things.
“no don’t do that”
“you’ll regret it”
Fuck regret.
She’s a sour cunt.
Never cared for her,
anyway.
No choice, when all
the weapons I’ve got left are
spewing out of me.
a froth of half baked thoughts
strewn on the streets.
and this?
I squeezed out of my pores.
Now,
I’m sweating blood.
At least I can still bleed.
Here, I finger painted you
something.
I hope you can still read.